... it's ... dark .......

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Brace yourself. You're about to face something beyond dark... Honestly I can't think of any title for this post rn. It's indescribable, I don't even know what this is.

I don't really like talking about my feelings, I feel weird whether in real life or not. But I guess nobody really knows me here, so I'm just gonna do it anyways (still feel weird as hell).. Well, people call me emotionless, if you see me without even knowing me, you must've think that I'm that don't-give-a-damn-about-anything type of person. I have no soul, I show no emotion, that's what people think of me. Well yes I am, but, just in front of people.....

Yes. If I say I cry people would say it's bullshit, there's no way I could cry. Little do they know, I cry a lot than they do. Mannn thanks to my wardrobe, she's always been there for me, I lock myself in there and cry for hours. It's dark, it's calming, it's goood. But, why though?

Do I hear voices? No I don't. But it's my brain, my mind telling me to do shit. Hurting myself, drowning myself... somehow it feels calm. It really does. Oh I've been eating and sleeping a lot these days lemme tell ya. But I still feel hungry and sleepy all the time. Always lost in thought.. I DON'T EVEN KNOW!

Why?????? Why is this happening? Well I still don't have an answer for that. School. I can feel that this is where all these began. That feeling of getting ignored, not getting acknowledged, it hurts. And I know for sure it has a lot to do with my look. I can guarantee if I were beautiful, I would never feel like this. I'm not talking about boys, I'm talking about the teachers and friends. I try so hard to get attention, but I feel like I'm still there alone, miles away from everyone, sinking deep in the ocean and everyone's there up above me but I can't get myself up there, uhhh do you get me?????!

It hurts, hurts like hell.. Waking up everyday thinking it's going to be another crap day. Waking up everyday hoping it's still night because I hate mornings. Waking up everyday thinking all the possibilities of things that could go wrong. Waking up everyday with negativity all over my head. Waking up everyday with my eyes can barely open due to crying so bad and have to lie to everyone about it. ah. do you feel me????

It has come to the point where I start questioning myself. What am I doing here? Do people call it 'the circle of life' because it's pointless? What is the purpose of life? To live and to die? What am I? What happen if I disappear and nobody has memories of me? Is it true that nobody is perfect? Because I can see perfections in everyone, except myself. Why me? Do they care? (well pfftt of course they don't). Just why???? I don't know what is happening. I feel like my life is a blessed, I have a lot of things.. But there's one thing missing and I don't know what is. And that one thing feels like so important to me. Honestly what is it??

I want to write more. I want to express my feelings. But most of them are indescribable. I don't even know where to start so I guess I just gonna leave it like that haunting me for the rest of life. My whole life is a mess. I won't say that I have depression, I won't say that I don't either. Because people say that this is normal, well I hope so. All I want is all of these to end.. help